So, foolish me for assuming that this process would go totally smoothly. Tomorrow I was scheduled to meet with Dr. Inhorn, my oncologist, to learn the results of the genomic testing on the breast tumor. Those results will determine whether my next step is chemotherapy or radiation. OF COURSE, the lab doesn't have my results ready so the appointment will have to be postponed until the first week of March when Dr. Inhorn is back from his hospital rotation. Dr. Bristol, the Oncology Radiologist was supposed to meet with me on Wednesday to do a preliminary catscan and tattoo the spots for the radiation but he has to wait until this "next step" decision is made so that appointment will have to be postponed. To say I am disappointed would be a mild understatement. But, as the quote above advises, I am desperately trying to learn to dance in this storm.
I have managed to stay out of the dark places in my head so far, mostly because the prognosis is so positive and I have the benefit of such an incredible support network to keep me going. But every once in a while a few shadows creep in and the stress of the past four months begins to eat away at my optimism. I know everything will be fine in the end...I just want the damn end to get here! And delays like this just add fuel to the fires of my frustration. I guess that makes me human. I think it would be impossible for anyone to sustain a "roses and sunshine" attitude throughout this entire ordeal (unless she was a relentless Pollyanna...and nobody really likes those, admit it!)
I have not lost sight of the fact that I am incredibly blessed to have the people in my life, especially Brendan, my patient life partner, who has his own anxiety about all of this and deserves an Oscar for his efforts to maintain the "jelly side up" approach to it all for my benefit. The support of my family and friends has been huge and I love you all for being there for me more than you can EVER know! And I know I have placed my life in the hands of the best medical team available, bar none. I feel more than a little embarrassed by my anger and disappointment at this latest [temporary] delay but also feel the need to let off a little steam from the pressure of the overall situation which has dragged on for so long. Plus I promised so many of you the number news tomorrow 😁. And, truly, that's all this is, a bit of frustration caused by some frazzled nerves. I am fine and will be back on the Smiling Cancer Warrior chariot very soon...probably by the time you are reading this. So no measures are required on your part...I know your love and support are out there because I truly can feel them. Just indulge me this one little petulant post and it will be out of my system, I promise!
And here is a representation of my attempt to dance in the rain:
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